Arms up and screaming.

That's how I'm trying to ride this rollercoaster that is my life. Arms up and screaming. Weather I'm screaming from excitement, joy or terror depends on the day.
Good bye military life. Can't believe I am really on "the outside" now. I know it was the best decision we have ever made for our future and for Lenni's but man this road has been rocky. There are so many things to do, so many things to get settled and moving forward for N has meant a whole new career.
He can do, we can do it, I have no doubt, it is just going to be lots of peaks and plummets on the way.
He starts the police academy in a few weeks and we both can't wait. He needs something that's his again and I need him out of the house :)
Lenni is thriving with all her family around, she is doing so many new things every day, it's really amazing. This decision was monumental for us and such things in life are never easy. Good thing I love roller coasters :)

Ch Ch Ch Changes

Wooo where to start. A lot has happened in the last 6 months. Holy mackerel I can't even put it all into one thought. What I have come to realize however is that it all really did happen the way it was supposed to.
Biggest change, N is getting out of the military. The opportunity presented itself and we couldn't pass it up. Honestly, I have wanted this since we got pregnant. Knowing that we were going to have a baby and that my whole family was living in the same place (with my two nieces) the last thing I wanted to do was move far away and continue to move for the next 15 years.
So here we are. His last day is mid-July and we are moving to where my family is in 3 weeks. Amazing, terrifying, overwhelming, exciting. We are going to be buying a house and N is going to apply to become a cop, something he's always wanted to do.
So wish us luck, say a prayer, cross your finger, we need it all!
Here's to the next chapter of our lives, one I can't wait to start!

As a rock.

Life is hard. For all of us at one point it can seem damn near impossible.
I am pretty sure we have all had that moment where we are sure we can't breathe, won't survive, have no idea how we will put one foot in front of the other and move forward and feel like our world is collapsing. We've all been there, I know I have and lately I've been trying to figure out why. I don't believe in coincidence or accidents. I believe it fate, faith and a plan. I am not even talking religious faith or belief but rather universal. Faith in your "supposed to".
Life takes turns, dips and dives. We  hit potholes, speed bumps and even road blocks. It's not those things that define our lives though, it's how WE come through them.
I am learning this more and more. Bad things happen, no doubt, but most times good things aren't far behind we just have to be open to them. I think when we are hurt or disappointed we tend to put our walls up almost instantly. We try to protect, to prevent and to heal. The problem is if we aren't careful all that protection leads to isolation and a bitterness that can be hard to shake.
So here's to accepting the pain, the loss, the frustration and allowing the good, the positive and the love in, in spite of the fear. I'm game if you are.

It's been awhile...

Hello everyone out there in cyber land. It's been awhile. A long while! Wow, where do I begin.
So much has changed. I left the blog for awhile to focus all my energy on this amazing little girl I am blessed to have and to be able to start fresh when I came back. My last post was when I was newly pregnant with her after my miscarriages and experiencing all the incredible changes that come along with creating a human. What an amazing, nauseating, anxiety ridden ride it was. It was a long road to get our healthy little miracle but in hindsight is one I can look back on without a single regret. I know why everything happened the way it did, my faith was shaken during that time but is ultimately stronger than ever now.
Lennox is simply amazing. She is the spitting image of her daddy but definitely has mama's attitude :)
She is going to be one in less than six weeks. I know people always say "time flies' but I never truly believed it until now. Time is the enemy and best friend of mothers and fathers. You can't wait for them to sit up, roll over, crawl, walk, say mama and then they do and you can never go back to the time when they didn't do those things. With every new thing they do they are a baby a little bit less. With every day, week, month that passes they are becoming more and more of a little person and less and less that tiny screaming ball of mush they were they day they changed your world forever.
Time is really all we have with kids. We don't get do overs, we get moments. Moments of sheer frustration and moments of incredible joy. Moments that remind us of our purpose here. To love these little monsters (even when they refuse to sleep) and to give them the very best of us every second of every day.
I know I will blink and she will be walking. I know that one day I will wake up and she will be talking to me. I am fully aware of how quickly the time will go and that in years I will wish and long for these tiny moments I am experiencing right now. Time truly is a fickle friend but without it we would never move forward.
I will be back at this now, when Lenni allows me the time to write (I have already started and stopped this 5 times) and hope you will stay tuned.

Jerry Garcia had it right..

What a long strange trip it's been.
I can't thank everyone enough for all the support, spoken and silent over the almost year (wow) now.  I have always been a true believer in the universe. I believe that bad things happen so we can wake up to the great things we have and pay them the attention and gratitude they deserve. I believe we all walk a path. Some of us find the well marked, level path and follow it forever, content. Some of us veer off our path's to try a different way and sometimes the rewards are great, sometimes they are painful.
I can honestly say my path was made for me. I have walked the easy path, walked through dense woods, hiked mountains and found my way again.
Having two miscarriages was the best worst thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to look at myself as something I had forgotten to for a long time, human. I am not infalliable. I am not unbreakable. I am human and someone wanted to remind me of that. I have always been someone who distrusts 'easy', who doesn't believe in anything but hard work with a little struggle. Funny how getting what we expect isn't what we want but turns out to be just what we needed.
Ok, philosophical delve, over. On the amazing side. I am pregnant. Almost four months now. Wow writing it makes it so real. This baby is magic, pure and simple. I have felt so awake since I found out I was expecting.
I feel everything. I am so aware of my self (of course the two months of morning sickness and raging hormones help with all the feeling).
I am so grateful for this. So grateful to my husband for loving me so much and loving this baby when it was terrifying to do so. Because I know it was. We were so afraid to believe in this baby, so afraid to plan, to be in love with this little nuggettmonsterbean. We were so afraid we would lose it again but we didn't. This little monster is hanging tough. (yes that is a New Kids reference) So get ready people, for lots of preggo blogs...lots of emotions and lots of talk of food (obsessed) I can't thank you all enough for reading and for sending your words of encouragement or just your positive energy. I have felt it all.
To be continued...

A six month journey to find myself.

It's time for me to share. I took a walk today and all of it just came out of me. I don't think it was that I was trying to hide anything or that I wasn't 'ready' to talk about the last few months I think I just needed to get to a good place with it all, a place without blame, anger or fear.

The biggest frustration I have is that what happened to me, happens everyday. It happens to so many women but no one knows. Very few talk about it, share what they have been through. It bothers me that there is a strange cloak of shame around the topic. No woman should ever feel shame when having a miscarriage but I can tell you that for myself it was an emotion I found impossible to avoid.

The first miscarriage happened in May. We found out we were pregnant after just one month of 'not preventing'. It was a shock to say the least. N had been gone on patrol and my period was late. The day he came home I picked him up and then stopped at the pharmacy for a test. I was in complete shock when the plus sign appeared. I couldn't believe it had happened so quick or that it happened at all. Pregnancy to me at that time seemed unreal. I knew it 'could' happen but couldn't imagine it happening to me. I went through crazy emotions. I was terrified but excited. N left for patrol again and a week passed before I started spotting.

I was home alone when it happened. It started slow but within hours was heavy and I was cramping. I knew what was happening before I spoke to anyone. I knew it was over. Getting in touch with N while he was in the middle of the ocean was the worst part. It hurt so much to have to tell him what I was going through. He was so great but I knew that phone call had broken his heart.
I waited to go to the hospital until the next morning and thankfully a friend came with me. Six hours, two ultrasounds, two exams, blood work and lots of waiting later I left the hospital without an answer. All I got were maybe's, if's, could's and lots of pitiful looks.
I didn't need any answers though, I knew the little tiny microscopic baby was gone.
N was able to come home (thank god) and we waited together for the blood work results. The doc called on monday morning and told us that it was indeed a miscarriage and I needed to come in again every two days for blood work until my levels were normal.
After the tears and the pain the worst part began. The shame, the fear, the confusion, the anger. Why did this happen to me? I eat well, I drink plenty of water, take prenatal vitamins, I exercise, I am a healthy person so what did I do wrong? Even with the support and reassurance of friends and family I still felt so guilty. I had a hard time looking at my husband without feeling like I robbed him of joy. I was just so embarrassed.

 When I finally started doing some searching online and in books about miscarriage I was shocked. Shocked at how often it happens. How many women go through it. How had I never known how frequently it happens? Because most people don't talk about it. And after going through it myself I know why. You have no idea how many people just stare at you when you tell them, just stare silent or their faces morph immediately into 'oh no' or 'poor girl' faces. That is really the worst part. I didn't tell many people because I didn't want pity, I didn't need pity but that seemed to be all people knew how to give.

I didn't think it could get any worse but I was wrong.
That next month my brother got married and my family was all in town which really helped me get over a lot of my bad feelings. Problem was I was also using alcohol for help. To help to feel normal again. I think it was also a big 'screw you' to my body. You can't give me a baby then I am going to drink like a fish. Not the best idea I've ever had.  A month later my period was late again, I took a test the morning of N's birthday and it was positive. Could it be? Not so fast, by the end of the day I was bleeding. I was sure it was just a chemical pregnancy or something wonky with my body but days later I felt so odd that I took another test and sure enough a big fat POSITIVE. I was so confused. I didn't believe it, I wasn't excited or joyous or hopeful. I just was. I was numb to it. I was ready for the pain, expecting it. I was broken and couldn't be fixed.

Again N was on patrol so we waited until he got home to tell people. The night before he left for patrol again the bleeding started. This time we went right away to the ER and went through it all again. I didn't feel much, I faked it well I know but I was already in the mourning phase, I didn't have the energy to hope.
After the awful waiting game I found out again that it was another miscarriage. This time the Doc said there is now way it even implanted.

So there I was. Two miscarriages in 3 months. All I could see was the unfairness of it. I was consumed with my own guilt, with my own bullshit shame. I was so angry at everyone. But there was no one to blame.
The next month was a blur. Even now when I look back I am not even sure of my memories. I was so full of self-pity I couldn't get out of my own way.

I am not sure what made me start coming out of it, I think maybe time, maybe reading so many others stories and maybe just the knowledge that this wallowing wasn't me at all. What good was it doing me carrying around all this crap? I had been through something awful, yes, but I was fine. My body was fine. My marriage was stronger because of it. What did I have to be angry about? Why was I feeling let down by the universe?

A baby is not promised. We are not entitled to be parents. It is a gift. Truly a gift. Something to be hoped for and cherished. In the past 6 months I have found myself. I know what I want in life. I know I want to be a mother, I have no doubts anymore. I will be a great mom, I have no doubts anymore. N will be a fantastic father, no doubts anymore. My life is about creating life and letting that life create me. No doubts anymore.

I am a better person because of those miscarriages. I deserve to be a parent now and that is a powerful thing to realize. I wanted to share this with everyone out there in cyber land because I know that right now there is a girl going through what I went through and I need her to know she isn't alone and she isn't to blame. Just like I am not responsible for my miscarriages. I know that now.

I am so lucky. I have this incredible husband who loves me so much. My parents are this force of good in my life, I couldn't have found my way out of this without them. My brothers and sisters-in-law were exactly what I needed. They just hugged me and told me it would all work out and they meant it. My friends were my rocks.

I have no anger anymore, no guilt, no shame. I am only grateful for my experience and that feels so damn good. I am sure I will become a mother. I know I will feel a baby kick in my belly, cry at my first ultrasound and fall in love the day he or she is born. I know I will freak out at the first sign of a fever, be endlessly changing diapers and be covered in puke for at least a year and you know what, I can't freakin' wait.

Thanks for reading.

Houdini...

Yes, I pulled a disappearing act. My life really did get turned upside down and I am just now wrapping my brain around the last several months and getting my emotions in check so that I can share with everyone what I have been going through. Writing has always been my therapy and I plan to keep it that way.
I was tested big time this year. My faith was tested, my courage, my soul my entire being was tested and here I am. That is the silver lining most definitely, I am still here and I am stronger. My marriage is stronger, my bonds are stronger. Crazy isn't it? How that really bad, painful stuff does bring to light all the amazing things in our lives. I am going to share, absolutely. Just need a little more time to get my ducks in a row.