Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A six month journey to find myself.

It's time for me to share. I took a walk today and all of it just came out of me. I don't think it was that I was trying to hide anything or that I wasn't 'ready' to talk about the last few months I think I just needed to get to a good place with it all, a place without blame, anger or fear.

The biggest frustration I have is that what happened to me, happens everyday. It happens to so many women but no one knows. Very few talk about it, share what they have been through. It bothers me that there is a strange cloak of shame around the topic. No woman should ever feel shame when having a miscarriage but I can tell you that for myself it was an emotion I found impossible to avoid.

The first miscarriage happened in May. We found out we were pregnant after just one month of 'not preventing'. It was a shock to say the least. N had been gone on patrol and my period was late. The day he came home I picked him up and then stopped at the pharmacy for a test. I was in complete shock when the plus sign appeared. I couldn't believe it had happened so quick or that it happened at all. Pregnancy to me at that time seemed unreal. I knew it 'could' happen but couldn't imagine it happening to me. I went through crazy emotions. I was terrified but excited. N left for patrol again and a week passed before I started spotting.

I was home alone when it happened. It started slow but within hours was heavy and I was cramping. I knew what was happening before I spoke to anyone. I knew it was over. Getting in touch with N while he was in the middle of the ocean was the worst part. It hurt so much to have to tell him what I was going through. He was so great but I knew that phone call had broken his heart.
I waited to go to the hospital until the next morning and thankfully a friend came with me. Six hours, two ultrasounds, two exams, blood work and lots of waiting later I left the hospital without an answer. All I got were maybe's, if's, could's and lots of pitiful looks.
I didn't need any answers though, I knew the little tiny microscopic baby was gone.
N was able to come home (thank god) and we waited together for the blood work results. The doc called on monday morning and told us that it was indeed a miscarriage and I needed to come in again every two days for blood work until my levels were normal.
After the tears and the pain the worst part began. The shame, the fear, the confusion, the anger. Why did this happen to me? I eat well, I drink plenty of water, take prenatal vitamins, I exercise, I am a healthy person so what did I do wrong? Even with the support and reassurance of friends and family I still felt so guilty. I had a hard time looking at my husband without feeling like I robbed him of joy. I was just so embarrassed.

 When I finally started doing some searching online and in books about miscarriage I was shocked. Shocked at how often it happens. How many women go through it. How had I never known how frequently it happens? Because most people don't talk about it. And after going through it myself I know why. You have no idea how many people just stare at you when you tell them, just stare silent or their faces morph immediately into 'oh no' or 'poor girl' faces. That is really the worst part. I didn't tell many people because I didn't want pity, I didn't need pity but that seemed to be all people knew how to give.

I didn't think it could get any worse but I was wrong.
That next month my brother got married and my family was all in town which really helped me get over a lot of my bad feelings. Problem was I was also using alcohol for help. To help to feel normal again. I think it was also a big 'screw you' to my body. You can't give me a baby then I am going to drink like a fish. Not the best idea I've ever had.  A month later my period was late again, I took a test the morning of N's birthday and it was positive. Could it be? Not so fast, by the end of the day I was bleeding. I was sure it was just a chemical pregnancy or something wonky with my body but days later I felt so odd that I took another test and sure enough a big fat POSITIVE. I was so confused. I didn't believe it, I wasn't excited or joyous or hopeful. I just was. I was numb to it. I was ready for the pain, expecting it. I was broken and couldn't be fixed.

Again N was on patrol so we waited until he got home to tell people. The night before he left for patrol again the bleeding started. This time we went right away to the ER and went through it all again. I didn't feel much, I faked it well I know but I was already in the mourning phase, I didn't have the energy to hope.
After the awful waiting game I found out again that it was another miscarriage. This time the Doc said there is now way it even implanted.

So there I was. Two miscarriages in 3 months. All I could see was the unfairness of it. I was consumed with my own guilt, with my own bullshit shame. I was so angry at everyone. But there was no one to blame.
The next month was a blur. Even now when I look back I am not even sure of my memories. I was so full of self-pity I couldn't get out of my own way.

I am not sure what made me start coming out of it, I think maybe time, maybe reading so many others stories and maybe just the knowledge that this wallowing wasn't me at all. What good was it doing me carrying around all this crap? I had been through something awful, yes, but I was fine. My body was fine. My marriage was stronger because of it. What did I have to be angry about? Why was I feeling let down by the universe?

A baby is not promised. We are not entitled to be parents. It is a gift. Truly a gift. Something to be hoped for and cherished. In the past 6 months I have found myself. I know what I want in life. I know I want to be a mother, I have no doubts anymore. I will be a great mom, I have no doubts anymore. N will be a fantastic father, no doubts anymore. My life is about creating life and letting that life create me. No doubts anymore.

I am a better person because of those miscarriages. I deserve to be a parent now and that is a powerful thing to realize. I wanted to share this with everyone out there in cyber land because I know that right now there is a girl going through what I went through and I need her to know she isn't alone and she isn't to blame. Just like I am not responsible for my miscarriages. I know that now.

I am so lucky. I have this incredible husband who loves me so much. My parents are this force of good in my life, I couldn't have found my way out of this without them. My brothers and sisters-in-law were exactly what I needed. They just hugged me and told me it would all work out and they meant it. My friends were my rocks.

I have no anger anymore, no guilt, no shame. I am only grateful for my experience and that feels so damn good. I am sure I will become a mother. I know I will feel a baby kick in my belly, cry at my first ultrasound and fall in love the day he or she is born. I know I will freak out at the first sign of a fever, be endlessly changing diapers and be covered in puke for at least a year and you know what, I can't freakin' wait.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, October 3, 2011


Yes, I pulled a disappearing act. My life really did get turned upside down and I am just now wrapping my brain around the last several months and getting my emotions in check so that I can share with everyone what I have been going through. Writing has always been my therapy and I plan to keep it that way.
I was tested big time this year. My faith was tested, my courage, my soul my entire being was tested and here I am. That is the silver lining most definitely, I am still here and I am stronger. My marriage is stronger, my bonds are stronger. Crazy isn't it? How that really bad, painful stuff does bring to light all the amazing things in our lives. I am going to share, absolutely. Just need a little more time to get my ducks in a row.