It is hard to describe. This feeling I have been trying to shake for days now.
Somewhere between the knowledge of something being off and the complete incomprehension of what it is.
It’s frustrating, unnerving. It makes me feel the way I did in dreams I had as a kid. The dreams when I couldn’t find my way home. When no-one recognized me. When I could barely open my eyes but knew there was something I needed to see.
It’s more than melancholy, more than hormones. It’s something deeper, something less about me and more about paying attention, about changes.
So much of my process has been letting go, leaving it up to something bigger. What if that isn’t necessarily the way it has to go. What if giving up too much allows us to blow off course just that bit too far. Off the beaten path into the forest that one step too far to where the light can barely get through and you are struggling not just to move forward but to see at all.
Quicksand is a good description. Funny, it’s never ‘feeling stuck in Marshmallow or puffy clouds’, nope, quicksand, knee deep.
I want to be at home. Be with him, with the boys. But who is that girl? Carrie? No way. Feelings shift much easier than perceptions, than ideas. Before we know it we are somewhere in our hearts that is miles away from our head. Can I catch up? I am trying to figure out why that is even a question I have to ask. Have I been so sucked into this person I am supposed to be that who I am doesn’t stand a chance? People can change right? Everyone always says that. How come no one believes it? Why don’t I?
I’m scared nothing will even be enough to sate the insatiable. That is who I am, isn’t it? The insatiable Carrie. Like some dinosaur from Jurassic Park that can eat and eat and eat and still have the time and energy to chase the poor humans just for a snack.
Someone close the park please, I’m tired.