It's a beautiful thing...

Hope. It's the lifeblood of the military wife. We always have hope. Hope for our marriages, for friends, for a great place to live. We have to. Without hope we would be lost and miserable. I don't think we even realize how much it means to us, how many times a day we rely on it.

It is that friend that never leaves you, the one thing you can take with you to each duty station, to each new town, city, state, country. I don't think of it in such a literal sense to often, probably not supposed to. Hope is better thought of only in the moments we really need it. In the moments we feel lost or sad, tired or like giving up.
It's a beautiful thing, hope. Something to be grateful for, especially for us who live this Traveling Life. No matter how many times we move, how many times we say goodbye to friends, pack our things and unpack them in a new place, it's always there. We pack it up just like our belongings, and we take it out when we need it. I will always keep it close because it reminds me of what is so wonderful about this life, the excitement of each new adventure and the hope that it will be a wonderful ride.

Huh? What? I don't get it.

Lately I have been dreaming like crazy. Literally crazy. My dreams are all over the place, they are vivid, strange, long and there are always more than one. I mean its like chapters in a book. I have one dream then quick flip over to another chapter and a whole new dream. Some are good, some scary. I have always had a lot of dreams but don't ever remember them being like this.
One night I had a dream I was in my childhood home and laying in my old bed watching a little scorpion dig a hole through the drywall above my bed. 
One dream I was in the car with the hubs and we were driving onto an island and instead drove right off a platform and into the water below. I grabbed all my stuff and swam out and up to the surface, as we were sitting at the surface we saw a Killer Whale swimming below all around the car. People started jumping in to swim with it. So weird.
Last nights dream I was moving again. Going through all my old things, like cards, dolls, clothes. I had an old cell phone and I was looking through the numbers and naming off old friends from high school and college. I was noticing things that weren't mine that I had to leave behind and things that had to be fixed.
I am telling you I could write a book. Sometimes I can't remember the dreams but I know that they were just as insane.
Hmmmm I wonder what is going on with me.

Second place

I think one of the hardest part about this life is always being second. Actually what may be harder is accepting that role. I struggle a lot with having to take a back seat to the military in every and any situation. She is hubs mistress, she gets most of the attention, calls the shots, picks where we live and is ultimately the love of hubs life.
I am grateful to her for the life she provides us but sometimes I really want to kick her ass. I hate her for taking hubs away, hate her for hogging his time. I want to punch her in her stupid mouth when he misses my birthdays, when I have to go to weddings/parties/dinners alone. I curse her under my breath when plans change, vacations get canceled and we disappoint people. Problem is, she is never going away. This is what this life is about, so I will swallow that pill, be happy to see my husband every time he comes home and tell him "it's ok" every time the military asks him to put her first. But man if I ever see her in a dark alley...she's in for it.

The solution

....why am I so scared to have a kid....I think it is really because everything will change. I am not good with huge major life changes. I have trouble actually picturing things. I am an extremely visual person, I really have to picture myself doing something, being somewhere, always been that way. With having a kid I seem to only be able to picture how things won't be the same in the negative way.
I won't be able to just go out for drinks whenever I want, or to dinner. I can't sleep till 9 if I don't feel great. I guess I am only seeing what I will have to give up because I can't possibly know what joy that little nuggett will bring.
I know I will be a good mom, I know hubs will be a phenomenal dad. But how will we be together? It scares me. Until about 2 yrs ago we DID NOT want kids, EVER. We just didn't, we really loved how things were. I am not really sure when that changed except that it did. I just don't ever want to regret anything or most importantly anyone.
AHHHHHGGGGGG I don't know. I think the solution is there can't be a solution. You can't ever be ready, you just have to go with it, love everyday, find the fun and never look back.

Suck it.

So at this new duty station we are in the boonies. It is beautiful here but there is NOTHING to do and absolutely NO jobs. It's so frustrating. It has taken me a long time to find a job before but nothing like this.
Granted I live in a gorgeous place and the people are really nice but half the time I am so bored. I love working, I really do. I have always managed to find a decent job but not this time.
I am trying to find things to keep me busy (this blog for example) and things to hold my attention (the harder of the two).
I am going to the gym again which I love, I walk with a friend and the dogs a few times a week and have been reading quite a bit. All things I have always loved doing. The funny thing is my new hobby.....cleaning.
My house is clean, all the time now. I must admit I like it but I also think its hilarious. I have so much energy and have to get it out somehow.
This past week I got a new vacuum. Its awesome. I did research for a few weeks, read reviews, checked local stores, the whole bit. This thing is fantastic! And I am so not ashamed to admit that this vacuum was one of the most exciting things to happen to me in the past month.
So thank you, Electrolux Oxygen for making my week and stepping up my new found hobby.

Path

I got this amazing message from an incredible person today. She said some wonderful things and asked some even more wonderful questions, which got me thinking.
This life prompts so many of us to ask questions. To question. Why did we choose this? Are we doing the right thing? Are we enough? Will I survive?
Some of us come upon this life complete. Some are lost. Some of us are not looking to find the answer and some of us can't even begin to see the question.

When I met my guy I was done with college, was moving to the city with my best friends and had a job I really loved. I was looking to be saved. Or at least I didn't think I needed to be. He was an unexpected dream, actually an unexpected wrench would be a better description. :) He changed everything. He was meant to. I needed him to.

We each have a path to walk. For some of us it is filled with drama. For some the whole point is the bumps and roadblocks and for some (like myself) it is about letting go of the wheel and having faith that I am going the right way. My husband and this life pried my fingers off that wheel one by one over the years. That was my path, my lesson. Letting go. Each of us lives with a reason weather we know it or not. Even the hard stuff, the pain is part of it. I can honestly say that 8 years ago I was holding onto that wheel with white knuckles. I didn't even know I was doing it. That is what is so great and healing about this life sometimes. We are forced to face our truths and they either make us or break us. I am finding myself a better person than I was before, calmer, more relaxed and I have the military life to thank for it.

So my dear friend K, out there in military land, thank you for your words and your thoughts. Keep walking your path with all the strength, passion and humor you have always had.

Stopping the train

There is a part in a John Mayer song that hit me like a ton of bricks today. The song is called "Stop This Train" and the lyrics are :
"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun"

Today, it rang so true for me. I don't feel 29. I feel 21. I really do. I can't remember when I grew up, or if I even did. Maybe that is what scares me so much about having a kid. I still think of myself as a kid, how can I have one? I am good at being young, having fun, making friends. Will I be good at the next set of stuff? Will I feel grown up? I guess that is why this life really works for me. I get to feel young. Travel, see new things, meet new people. I can't put down roots. I can't buy a house and settle down. I can't grow up in the way I think I should. So what is the solution? I'm working on it.

The Wild Card

The future is almost non-existent to me. Ok, more like a figment of my imagination. We live in the present and sometimes the past but the future is more a mythical creature we only hear about in hushed converstations behind closed doors.
We are hopeful it exists, that it finds us well and that we have some minuscule amount of control over it, then we get smacked in the head by the reality stick and we shake it off. As military wives we can't look to the future, at least I can't. It doesn't work for me, the ups and downs, the let down, the reality stick.
I find that not even thinking about it until it almost becomes my present is the safest route to take. Many people think we can choose where we would like to live. I can't tell you how often I hear "you like it here, can't you just stay?" The answer is "Nope".

It's hard, really hard sometimes. When your family and friends talk about the future, talk about plans they have or how fun things will be and you have to smile and nod and in your head know that that future won't include you. But you smile and get excited for those people anyway because if you actually open your mouth and say what you know to be the truth you become Debbie Downer and the fun converstation goes away.
Sometimes, I pretend I will be a part of the things they talk about, pretend I will be there, having fun, enjoying the "plan" but truth is, we are the wild card. You can't plan on us and if you do there will be a let down. 

I find it more painful to explain it to other people than to live with it. Most people don't understand or don't believe you are telling them the truth. "It will work out" I hear a lot or "You never know" but I do know. I know the chances, the probabilities because I have calculated them all in the past and have ended up with a face full of that damn reality stick. Don't feel bad for me/us though, because I don't feel bad. It makes me sad, makes me frustrated but I also get to live the adventure. I get to see new places and meet amazing people. I just don't get to be a part of "the plan".