The Wild Card

The future is almost non-existent to me. Ok, more like a figment of my imagination. We live in the present and sometimes the past but the future is more a mythical creature we only hear about in hushed converstations behind closed doors.
We are hopeful it exists, that it finds us well and that we have some minuscule amount of control over it, then we get smacked in the head by the reality stick and we shake it off. As military wives we can't look to the future, at least I can't. It doesn't work for me, the ups and downs, the let down, the reality stick.
I find that not even thinking about it until it almost becomes my present is the safest route to take. Many people think we can choose where we would like to live. I can't tell you how often I hear "you like it here, can't you just stay?" The answer is "Nope".

It's hard, really hard sometimes. When your family and friends talk about the future, talk about plans they have or how fun things will be and you have to smile and nod and in your head know that that future won't include you. But you smile and get excited for those people anyway because if you actually open your mouth and say what you know to be the truth you become Debbie Downer and the fun converstation goes away.
Sometimes, I pretend I will be a part of the things they talk about, pretend I will be there, having fun, enjoying the "plan" but truth is, we are the wild card. You can't plan on us and if you do there will be a let down. 

I find it more painful to explain it to other people than to live with it. Most people don't understand or don't believe you are telling them the truth. "It will work out" I hear a lot or "You never know" but I do know. I know the chances, the probabilities because I have calculated them all in the past and have ended up with a face full of that damn reality stick. Don't feel bad for me/us though, because I don't feel bad. It makes me sad, makes me frustrated but I also get to live the adventure. I get to see new places and meet amazing people. I just don't get to be a part of "the plan".