A six month journey to find myself.

It's time for me to share. I took a walk today and all of it just came out of me. I don't think it was that I was trying to hide anything or that I wasn't 'ready' to talk about the last few months I think I just needed to get to a good place with it all, a place without blame, anger or fear.

The biggest frustration I have is that what happened to me, happens everyday. It happens to so many women but no one knows. Very few talk about it, share what they have been through. It bothers me that there is a strange cloak of shame around the topic. No woman should ever feel shame when having a miscarriage but I can tell you that for myself it was an emotion I found impossible to avoid.

The first miscarriage happened in May. We found out we were pregnant after just one month of 'not preventing'. It was a shock to say the least. N had been gone on patrol and my period was late. The day he came home I picked him up and then stopped at the pharmacy for a test. I was in complete shock when the plus sign appeared. I couldn't believe it had happened so quick or that it happened at all. Pregnancy to me at that time seemed unreal. I knew it 'could' happen but couldn't imagine it happening to me. I went through crazy emotions. I was terrified but excited. N left for patrol again and a week passed before I started spotting.

I was home alone when it happened. It started slow but within hours was heavy and I was cramping. I knew what was happening before I spoke to anyone. I knew it was over. Getting in touch with N while he was in the middle of the ocean was the worst part. It hurt so much to have to tell him what I was going through. He was so great but I knew that phone call had broken his heart.
I waited to go to the hospital until the next morning and thankfully a friend came with me. Six hours, two ultrasounds, two exams, blood work and lots of waiting later I left the hospital without an answer. All I got were maybe's, if's, could's and lots of pitiful looks.
I didn't need any answers though, I knew the little tiny microscopic baby was gone.
N was able to come home (thank god) and we waited together for the blood work results. The doc called on monday morning and told us that it was indeed a miscarriage and I needed to come in again every two days for blood work until my levels were normal.
After the tears and the pain the worst part began. The shame, the fear, the confusion, the anger. Why did this happen to me? I eat well, I drink plenty of water, take prenatal vitamins, I exercise, I am a healthy person so what did I do wrong? Even with the support and reassurance of friends and family I still felt so guilty. I had a hard time looking at my husband without feeling like I robbed him of joy. I was just so embarrassed.

 When I finally started doing some searching online and in books about miscarriage I was shocked. Shocked at how often it happens. How many women go through it. How had I never known how frequently it happens? Because most people don't talk about it. And after going through it myself I know why. You have no idea how many people just stare at you when you tell them, just stare silent or their faces morph immediately into 'oh no' or 'poor girl' faces. That is really the worst part. I didn't tell many people because I didn't want pity, I didn't need pity but that seemed to be all people knew how to give.

I didn't think it could get any worse but I was wrong.
That next month my brother got married and my family was all in town which really helped me get over a lot of my bad feelings. Problem was I was also using alcohol for help. To help to feel normal again. I think it was also a big 'screw you' to my body. You can't give me a baby then I am going to drink like a fish. Not the best idea I've ever had.  A month later my period was late again, I took a test the morning of N's birthday and it was positive. Could it be? Not so fast, by the end of the day I was bleeding. I was sure it was just a chemical pregnancy or something wonky with my body but days later I felt so odd that I took another test and sure enough a big fat POSITIVE. I was so confused. I didn't believe it, I wasn't excited or joyous or hopeful. I just was. I was numb to it. I was ready for the pain, expecting it. I was broken and couldn't be fixed.

Again N was on patrol so we waited until he got home to tell people. The night before he left for patrol again the bleeding started. This time we went right away to the ER and went through it all again. I didn't feel much, I faked it well I know but I was already in the mourning phase, I didn't have the energy to hope.
After the awful waiting game I found out again that it was another miscarriage. This time the Doc said there is now way it even implanted.

So there I was. Two miscarriages in 3 months. All I could see was the unfairness of it. I was consumed with my own guilt, with my own bullshit shame. I was so angry at everyone. But there was no one to blame.
The next month was a blur. Even now when I look back I am not even sure of my memories. I was so full of self-pity I couldn't get out of my own way.

I am not sure what made me start coming out of it, I think maybe time, maybe reading so many others stories and maybe just the knowledge that this wallowing wasn't me at all. What good was it doing me carrying around all this crap? I had been through something awful, yes, but I was fine. My body was fine. My marriage was stronger because of it. What did I have to be angry about? Why was I feeling let down by the universe?

A baby is not promised. We are not entitled to be parents. It is a gift. Truly a gift. Something to be hoped for and cherished. In the past 6 months I have found myself. I know what I want in life. I know I want to be a mother, I have no doubts anymore. I will be a great mom, I have no doubts anymore. N will be a fantastic father, no doubts anymore. My life is about creating life and letting that life create me. No doubts anymore.

I am a better person because of those miscarriages. I deserve to be a parent now and that is a powerful thing to realize. I wanted to share this with everyone out there in cyber land because I know that right now there is a girl going through what I went through and I need her to know she isn't alone and she isn't to blame. Just like I am not responsible for my miscarriages. I know that now.

I am so lucky. I have this incredible husband who loves me so much. My parents are this force of good in my life, I couldn't have found my way out of this without them. My brothers and sisters-in-law were exactly what I needed. They just hugged me and told me it would all work out and they meant it. My friends were my rocks.

I have no anger anymore, no guilt, no shame. I am only grateful for my experience and that feels so damn good. I am sure I will become a mother. I know I will feel a baby kick in my belly, cry at my first ultrasound and fall in love the day he or she is born. I know I will freak out at the first sign of a fever, be endlessly changing diapers and be covered in puke for at least a year and you know what, I can't freakin' wait.

Thanks for reading.

Houdini...

Yes, I pulled a disappearing act. My life really did get turned upside down and I am just now wrapping my brain around the last several months and getting my emotions in check so that I can share with everyone what I have been going through. Writing has always been my therapy and I plan to keep it that way.
I was tested big time this year. My faith was tested, my courage, my soul my entire being was tested and here I am. That is the silver lining most definitely, I am still here and I am stronger. My marriage is stronger, my bonds are stronger. Crazy isn't it? How that really bad, painful stuff does bring to light all the amazing things in our lives. I am going to share, absolutely. Just need a little more time to get my ducks in a row.

In our own time.

You know how sometimes when you first meet someone (in a romantic sense) they seem just amazing. Then slowly as you get to know them all the differences between you begin to emerge. Toilet seats left up, snoring, wet towels on the floor, chewing with the mouth open...all those fun things. They aren't any less amazing then when you first met them, you yourself just begin to focus more on the differences between you rather than the similarities. I know I did. The "oh man, this will never work" fears creep in. "How can he be so insensitive", "will he ever change?"....I am pretty sure in my case it was all Fear. Self-preservation. Problem is, when we question the person we love, I mean really question them we are dooming ourselves to a relationship full of struggles, full of pain. Why is it so hard for so many of us to just accept people for who they are? Why is there that need to change the people around us, to make them more like us. Do we really think we are that great? Man, I am so guilty of all of this.
When I met hubs I was head over heels for him but still had those little nagging thoughts....if he could just do this different, say this instead of that, be better at this or that....ridiculousness. We have been together 8 years now. Finally, after all this time I am done judging. Done letting my stupid fears have any say. My husband is amazing just how he is. He has always been. It was me who was getting in the way of us. We struggled a lot, I mean a lot and maybe we had to. Maybe all that made us who we are now....or maybe we could've been as great as we are now for years if I had just let him be. Why do we do it? As women I think we have this idealized version of men. That damn 'should' word is evil. He should sweep me off my feet once a day. He should buy me things to show me he cares. He should know how I am feeling without me saying a word. Should, smould, pould, dould. It's crap. We SHOULD love the person we are with and let them be who they are, take it or leave it.

It's worse than dial-up...

My connection to my husband lately that is. He has been gone a lot lately and I really feel so disconnected from him.
This is worse than when he would leave for months at a time. I could prepare myself for that, I knew it was coming. I had an end date to focus on and would plan my months/weekends/days accordingly so I always had something to keep me busy.
Now, its all over the place and his schedule has no rhyme or reason. He comes and goes without warning and we never have a solid date that he will come home. I find myself pissy more and more about it. Now mind you, I am never really angry over his changing schedule, it is what it is. But lately I am feeling so far away from him that I can't help but get mad at his schedule for making us this way.
He isn't just deploying either, it's schools...family visiting...other stuff. It's just feeling like a lot for me right now and I can't plan and prepare my way to my normal level of tolerance.
I know he must be frustrated too but unfortunately I married someone who is not so much of a communicator as he is a grunter. He says he is fine, we are fine, everything is fine, but my spidey sense is tingling and it makes me feel less than confident.
Uggghh I tell ya what, I understand now why this billet is only two years...come on 2012!!

My dirty little secret...finally caught up with me.

Alright, it's time for me to come clean. I am a complete, total, irreparable klutz. I am serious, if there is a 5 foot wide sidewalk, I will walk into the tree on the very edge. In my old lunch room at my office in Boston there were pillars in the middle, I had bruises on my arms for 2 years from walking into them everyday. I am NEVER without a cut or a bruise.
I am so focused when I put my mind to something but everyday life it's like I just kinda bump my way through.
Finally however, I went beyond bruises and cuts to breaking a bone. Albeit a tiny bone (my toe) but still.
I was hiding in the closet the other night waiting to scare my  husband when he came in (fav pastime of mine) when he walked in I yelled and he totally freaked out then started to chase me so I ran.....right into the door jam of the bathroom. I kicked it pretty much. I didn't even get to enjoy my "scare" because the pain was so bad.
Two days later my poor little toe is blue and won't bend at all.....I guess that is what I get huh?

Oh well, a broken toe was well worth watching my husband jump 3 feet in the air, cover his face and scream. I am sure he is pumped about this blog :)

Hindsight is most definitely 20/20

I found this in my e-mails. I wrote it well over a year ago. It's amazing how we sense change so long before it comes...how our insides know what we need long before our heads catch up...

It is hard to describe. This feeling I have been trying to shake for days now.

Somewhere between the knowledge of something being off and the complete incomprehension of what it is.

It’s frustrating, unnerving. It makes me feel the way I did in dreams I had as a kid. The dreams when I couldn’t find my way home. When no-one recognized me. When I could barely open my eyes but knew there was something I needed to see.

It’s more than melancholy, more than hormones. It’s something deeper, something less about me and more about paying attention, about changes.

So much of my process has been letting go, leaving it up to something bigger. What if that isn’t necessarily the way it has to go. What if giving up too much allows us to blow off course just that bit too far. Off the beaten path into the forest that one step too far to where the light can barely get through and you are struggling not just to move forward but to see at all. 

Quicksand is a good description. Funny, it’s never ‘feeling stuck in Marshmallow or puffy clouds’, nope, quicksand, knee deep.

I want to be at home. Be with him, with the boys. But who is that girl? Carrie? No way. Feelings shift much easier than perceptions, than ideas. Before we know it we are somewhere in our hearts that is miles away from our head. Can I catch up? I am trying to figure out why that is even a question I have to ask. Have I been so sucked into this person I am supposed to be that who I am doesn’t stand a chance? People can change right? Everyone always says that. How come no one believes it? Why don’t I?

I’m scared nothing will even be enough to sate the insatiable. That is who I am, isn’t it? The insatiable Carrie. Like some dinosaur from Jurassic Park that can eat and eat and eat and still have the time and energy to chase the poor humans just for a snack.

Someone close the park please, I’m tired.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am....

Yup, stuck in the middle. This post isn't so much about my military wife life as it is about my life in general. I am the middle child....it sucks. I am not sure how many of you reading are the middle as well but if you are then you know what I mean. I am also the only girl. So here I am, here I have been my whole life, stuck in the middle. I love my brothers, love them to absolute pieces but sometimes they make my life miserable and they have no clue they are doing it. I guess that is one of the crosses to bear in the middle, complete awareness.

I will say that being the middle kid probably made me more independent and therefore much better equipped to deal with life as a military wife but I also find that adding the military life craziness and unpredictability to already being the middle kid makes me feel much more often like I am left out.
As I write this I know how lucky I am, I have amazing parents who have been married for 35 years, my brothers are great and have great ladies in their lives that I love very much but man oh man do they make it tough sometimes.

As the only girl I have always kind of taken care of them. My doing, completely. You need help with money, of course I will help you....you need me, of course I will drop everything and come...you have an issue or a problem, of course I will be there to help or keep your secrets....of course, of course, of course.

Sometimes I really just feel like I fade into the background. Or the whole "she won't mind/doesn't need it" comes into play. Part of that is definitely my independent nature and entirely my fault. I don't ask for help very often, most of the time I don't need or particularly want it but I guess it would be nice for it to be offered every once in awhile.

The "P" word.

Finding our worth is a huge part of being a military wife. We can never compete with what our husbands do. They have devoted their lives to the protection of our country and it's people, we have devoted our lives to them. What that means varies for each of us. Our lives often times become about our husbands. Not because they ask that of us but because its what happens, necessity if you will.
The problem with this is that sometimes we forget who we are without them. We get so wrapped up in the military world, in their schedules, in their needs, that we forget. And when we get to new places that are "remote" and we don't have jobs or things to keep the connection to ourselves,a very strange thing happens....I think I'll call it the Stepford effect. Life becomes about the "P" word.....Perfection.
We begin to feel that we have to be perfect. The house has to look perfect. Dinner has to be perfect. Clothes must be washed, folded and put away perfect. We do this to ourselves. No one asked us to be perfect but how can we not be? How can we not be when we aren't doing much else??? How can we justify a lazy day? How can we justify him coming home to a messy house.....to no dinner?
Here's the thing, this thought process is evil. It does more to tear down our confidence and self-worth that any amount of "good job" or "looks nice" can EVER build. It's self-sabotage.
Just being there for our husbands is enough. Loving them, talking to them, letting them vent, being there when they come home....those are the things they NEED, that is what we signed up for when we said "I do".
They don't care if we are perfect. They love us in our sweats, no make-up, putting a frozen pizza in the oven. We just have to remember to love ourselves that way too.

It's a beautiful thing...

Hope. It's the lifeblood of the military wife. We always have hope. Hope for our marriages, for friends, for a great place to live. We have to. Without hope we would be lost and miserable. I don't think we even realize how much it means to us, how many times a day we rely on it.

It is that friend that never leaves you, the one thing you can take with you to each duty station, to each new town, city, state, country. I don't think of it in such a literal sense to often, probably not supposed to. Hope is better thought of only in the moments we really need it. In the moments we feel lost or sad, tired or like giving up.
It's a beautiful thing, hope. Something to be grateful for, especially for us who live this Traveling Life. No matter how many times we move, how many times we say goodbye to friends, pack our things and unpack them in a new place, it's always there. We pack it up just like our belongings, and we take it out when we need it. I will always keep it close because it reminds me of what is so wonderful about this life, the excitement of each new adventure and the hope that it will be a wonderful ride.

Huh? What? I don't get it.

Lately I have been dreaming like crazy. Literally crazy. My dreams are all over the place, they are vivid, strange, long and there are always more than one. I mean its like chapters in a book. I have one dream then quick flip over to another chapter and a whole new dream. Some are good, some scary. I have always had a lot of dreams but don't ever remember them being like this.
One night I had a dream I was in my childhood home and laying in my old bed watching a little scorpion dig a hole through the drywall above my bed. 
One dream I was in the car with the hubs and we were driving onto an island and instead drove right off a platform and into the water below. I grabbed all my stuff and swam out and up to the surface, as we were sitting at the surface we saw a Killer Whale swimming below all around the car. People started jumping in to swim with it. So weird.
Last nights dream I was moving again. Going through all my old things, like cards, dolls, clothes. I had an old cell phone and I was looking through the numbers and naming off old friends from high school and college. I was noticing things that weren't mine that I had to leave behind and things that had to be fixed.
I am telling you I could write a book. Sometimes I can't remember the dreams but I know that they were just as insane.
Hmmmm I wonder what is going on with me.

Second place

I think one of the hardest part about this life is always being second. Actually what may be harder is accepting that role. I struggle a lot with having to take a back seat to the military in every and any situation. She is hubs mistress, she gets most of the attention, calls the shots, picks where we live and is ultimately the love of hubs life.
I am grateful to her for the life she provides us but sometimes I really want to kick her ass. I hate her for taking hubs away, hate her for hogging his time. I want to punch her in her stupid mouth when he misses my birthdays, when I have to go to weddings/parties/dinners alone. I curse her under my breath when plans change, vacations get canceled and we disappoint people. Problem is, she is never going away. This is what this life is about, so I will swallow that pill, be happy to see my husband every time he comes home and tell him "it's ok" every time the military asks him to put her first. But man if I ever see her in a dark alley...she's in for it.

The solution

....why am I so scared to have a kid....I think it is really because everything will change. I am not good with huge major life changes. I have trouble actually picturing things. I am an extremely visual person, I really have to picture myself doing something, being somewhere, always been that way. With having a kid I seem to only be able to picture how things won't be the same in the negative way.
I won't be able to just go out for drinks whenever I want, or to dinner. I can't sleep till 9 if I don't feel great. I guess I am only seeing what I will have to give up because I can't possibly know what joy that little nuggett will bring.
I know I will be a good mom, I know hubs will be a phenomenal dad. But how will we be together? It scares me. Until about 2 yrs ago we DID NOT want kids, EVER. We just didn't, we really loved how things were. I am not really sure when that changed except that it did. I just don't ever want to regret anything or most importantly anyone.
AHHHHHGGGGGG I don't know. I think the solution is there can't be a solution. You can't ever be ready, you just have to go with it, love everyday, find the fun and never look back.

Suck it.

So at this new duty station we are in the boonies. It is beautiful here but there is NOTHING to do and absolutely NO jobs. It's so frustrating. It has taken me a long time to find a job before but nothing like this.
Granted I live in a gorgeous place and the people are really nice but half the time I am so bored. I love working, I really do. I have always managed to find a decent job but not this time.
I am trying to find things to keep me busy (this blog for example) and things to hold my attention (the harder of the two).
I am going to the gym again which I love, I walk with a friend and the dogs a few times a week and have been reading quite a bit. All things I have always loved doing. The funny thing is my new hobby.....cleaning.
My house is clean, all the time now. I must admit I like it but I also think its hilarious. I have so much energy and have to get it out somehow.
This past week I got a new vacuum. Its awesome. I did research for a few weeks, read reviews, checked local stores, the whole bit. This thing is fantastic! And I am so not ashamed to admit that this vacuum was one of the most exciting things to happen to me in the past month.
So thank you, Electrolux Oxygen for making my week and stepping up my new found hobby.

Path

I got this amazing message from an incredible person today. She said some wonderful things and asked some even more wonderful questions, which got me thinking.
This life prompts so many of us to ask questions. To question. Why did we choose this? Are we doing the right thing? Are we enough? Will I survive?
Some of us come upon this life complete. Some are lost. Some of us are not looking to find the answer and some of us can't even begin to see the question.

When I met my guy I was done with college, was moving to the city with my best friends and had a job I really loved. I was looking to be saved. Or at least I didn't think I needed to be. He was an unexpected dream, actually an unexpected wrench would be a better description. :) He changed everything. He was meant to. I needed him to.

We each have a path to walk. For some of us it is filled with drama. For some the whole point is the bumps and roadblocks and for some (like myself) it is about letting go of the wheel and having faith that I am going the right way. My husband and this life pried my fingers off that wheel one by one over the years. That was my path, my lesson. Letting go. Each of us lives with a reason weather we know it or not. Even the hard stuff, the pain is part of it. I can honestly say that 8 years ago I was holding onto that wheel with white knuckles. I didn't even know I was doing it. That is what is so great and healing about this life sometimes. We are forced to face our truths and they either make us or break us. I am finding myself a better person than I was before, calmer, more relaxed and I have the military life to thank for it.

So my dear friend K, out there in military land, thank you for your words and your thoughts. Keep walking your path with all the strength, passion and humor you have always had.

Stopping the train

There is a part in a John Mayer song that hit me like a ton of bricks today. The song is called "Stop This Train" and the lyrics are :
"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun"

Today, it rang so true for me. I don't feel 29. I feel 21. I really do. I can't remember when I grew up, or if I even did. Maybe that is what scares me so much about having a kid. I still think of myself as a kid, how can I have one? I am good at being young, having fun, making friends. Will I be good at the next set of stuff? Will I feel grown up? I guess that is why this life really works for me. I get to feel young. Travel, see new things, meet new people. I can't put down roots. I can't buy a house and settle down. I can't grow up in the way I think I should. So what is the solution? I'm working on it.

The Wild Card

The future is almost non-existent to me. Ok, more like a figment of my imagination. We live in the present and sometimes the past but the future is more a mythical creature we only hear about in hushed converstations behind closed doors.
We are hopeful it exists, that it finds us well and that we have some minuscule amount of control over it, then we get smacked in the head by the reality stick and we shake it off. As military wives we can't look to the future, at least I can't. It doesn't work for me, the ups and downs, the let down, the reality stick.
I find that not even thinking about it until it almost becomes my present is the safest route to take. Many people think we can choose where we would like to live. I can't tell you how often I hear "you like it here, can't you just stay?" The answer is "Nope".

It's hard, really hard sometimes. When your family and friends talk about the future, talk about plans they have or how fun things will be and you have to smile and nod and in your head know that that future won't include you. But you smile and get excited for those people anyway because if you actually open your mouth and say what you know to be the truth you become Debbie Downer and the fun converstation goes away.
Sometimes, I pretend I will be a part of the things they talk about, pretend I will be there, having fun, enjoying the "plan" but truth is, we are the wild card. You can't plan on us and if you do there will be a let down. 

I find it more painful to explain it to other people than to live with it. Most people don't understand or don't believe you are telling them the truth. "It will work out" I hear a lot or "You never know" but I do know. I know the chances, the probabilities because I have calculated them all in the past and have ended up with a face full of that damn reality stick. Don't feel bad for me/us though, because I don't feel bad. It makes me sad, makes me frustrated but I also get to live the adventure. I get to see new places and meet amazing people. I just don't get to be a part of "the plan".